Empty Womb
When I was a single adult, I planned out my motherhood as if a proposition to God. I wrote out in my journal, “A little one at the age of 24, and another at the age of 26. Then my sixth and last child when I’m 35.” I had hoped for God to sign His name on the line and bless it. But here I am, 26 years old, and still no little one to hold. I trust in God’s timing and know that He has plans greater than I can ever imagine. Until He calls me to motherhood, I will wait patiently in the Lord’s goodness and serve as faithfully as I am led to.
My husband and I have been actively trying to conceive for only four months, but if I am being honest with myself, it feels like it’s been two years. In these past months, I’ve felt downhearted by the negative pregnancy results and even the amount of money I’ve spent to increase my chances of pregnancy. Interesting to say the least, it’s when other people talk to me about having children when I’m the most downhearted. I remember being at a social event, and a woman said to me, “You’re not trying hard enough [to conceive].” Those words stung me down to the core of my motherhood desire–though I knew it wasn’t meant to hurt me.
I often wonder to myself still: Is it because my mother told me I would never have children? Is it because I played too much volleyball? Is it because I am not as fertile as I think I am? There are so many factors as to what the possibilities could be, but I rest in Hannah’s prayer as she wept to Eli, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life… (1 Samuel 1:11)”. This is an echo of my husband’s and my prayer every night–that we would be given a child to offer to God in the work He has yet to complete.
Every month my husband and I are so anxious to see the results on my pregnancy test; we’re always left disheartened. Yet, we are moved towards humility in light of our finite human abilities. The power to create life is and will always be God’s alone.
My child’s frame is not hidden from Him, being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Though I do not see my child, God’s eyes see his/her unformed substance (Psalm 139). Jay and I wait and pray as our child is being wonderfully and fearfully made. We rest assure that His timing is wise. If not now, if not later…if not ever–He is still the God who walks with us through the deep waters and burning fire (Isaiah 43:2).
My womb may be empty, but Your promises are not. Abba, I am completely satisfied in You alone.
Psalm 107:9, “For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.”
I know there are many more women who have been disheartened with the trials of conceiving far longer than me, and I commend you for your patience. I share in your longing to hold a child of your own, to nurture your little one in grace and love, and to experience a bond unexplainable. My confidence is this…childless or with child, we are all called to pursue God’s Kingdom in the church and amongst His people. Until God sees it fit for us to move into the season of motherhood, let us pray as faithfully as Hannah and serve as genuinely as the Spirit of God leads us to.
CY