Why Do You Love This Way?
In 1992, Gary Chapman introduced the world to the Love Language concept through his book, “The Five Love Languages”. Quite frankly, he’s been a big change agent into how couples better communicate how they want to receive love. This initial Christian based concept has bled into the secular world and now we are hearing and seeing it almost every corner we turn. In Chapman’s Love Language concept, there are five Love Languages that he’s identified through his years of experience in counseling couples (verywellmind):
Words of Affirmation: In simple terms, the words of affirmation love language is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone's primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement. They also enjoy uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages.
Quality Time: Love and affection are expressed through this love language when someone gives someone else their undivided attention. This means putting down the cell phone and turning off the tablet, making eye contact and actively listening. People with this love language are looking for quality over quantity.
Physical Touch: A person with this love language feels loved through physical affection. Aside from sex, those who have physical touch as their primary love language feel loved when their partner shows physical affection in some way like holding their hand, touching their arm, or giving them a massage at the end of the day.
Acts of Service: When someone's primary love language is acts of service, they feel loved and appreciated when people do nice things for them. Whether it's helping with the dishes or putting gas in the car, little acts of service go straight to the person's heart. They love when people do little things for them and often can be found doing little things for others.
Receiving Gifts: To a person whose love language is receiving gifts, gift-giving is symbolic of love and affection in their mind. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift giver put into it. What's more, they do not necessarily expect large or expensive gifts, the love language receiving gifts is more what is behind the gift that appeals to them.
When I first heard about the Love Languages, I immediately identified with “receiving gifts” because that’s how I showed people I loved them. This gesture was a learned trait from my parents who showered my siblings and I with gifts growing up. So naturally, I developed into a person who showed love the way it was shown to me. But over the years I began to realize that receiving gifts was not my Love Language, though I appreciated them very much. My husband, Jay, would bring home gifts as an act of my thought Love Language early in our marriage, but there was something that I felt was missing every time. I would feel like I was a child again—when my parents would give me clothes, toys, etc. then left to their own agenda. The more I got to thinking about Love Languages in the progression of our marriage, the more I started to wonder... “How do I want to be loved and why?”
Through trials of miscommunication in marriage, I have learned that I feel most loved when my husband wants to spend quality time with me, when it’s not a chore. The more time we spent together the less gifts I received, and I was okay with that. I felt fully loved by him. My lingering inner voice would exclaim, “My husband wants to set aside his responsibilities and hobbies to be with me?” This is not to say that you should find your meaning of life and joy in how your husband loves you, but let’s be honest—it is important to strive for a healthy marriage.
The more I got to know about my Love Language, the more intrigued I was to learn why I want to be loved in that way. When I don’t receive quality time, why do I feel like an uncared for child? In my search to understand why, I have found that most people associate their Love Language to what they did not receive as a child. The Love Language we desire is the Love Language we never got from our parents, family, or friends. I spoke in gifts because I was taught to speak in gifts. I desired quality time because of the lack of time I received from my parents. Don’t get me wrong, my parents did love me well. But as I reflect and shrink back into this child I once was, I began to see how most of my time as a child was spent with my grandparents. My parents were working hard and sacrificing their time with us to build a life they dreamed for us. The time I remember spent with my mother and father were times when I felt the most loved by them. I can hear the child inside of me shouting, “My parents want to set aside their responsibilities and hobbies to be with me?” We are a product of our past experiences, and our Love Language is just that.
I believe this is the holy grail—understanding why your significant other desires to be spoken to in their Love Language. It is easy to hear them tell you what their Love Language is and simply do it. But when you understand why it is their Love Language, you begin to see them and start pursuing a tender kind of unconditional love. When Jay took his time to understand the cause of my desire for quality time, he saw me. Since he has seen me, he has become a lot more intentional when we spend time together to help me feel safe, wanted, and loved. For myself, loving Jay the way he desired to be loved no longer felt like a chore or obligation. It was a way for me to to tend to those broken fragments he carried from childhood to adulthood. When we understand the burdens of the person we made a covenant with, it not only helps us tend to their needs, but it helps us accept the love they give us. For many of us, we have learned to love a certain way for so long that, that’s all we know. We cannot automatically condemn our significant other for loving in their native Love Language, but in these moments seek their heart and open yours. Give unconditionally and receive graciously.
I can’t guarantee it for you, but from my own personal experience, having this understanding about one another has progressed Jay and my love communication skills significantly. Whether it is a child who was verbally abused needing words of affirmation; a child living through broken promises needing acts of service; or a child never having had the chance to feel the warmth of their parents needing physical touch, we as the significant other can lean in to understand the broken parts of our spouse.
CY