I Don’t Want To Be A Boss Mom
At the ripe age of 29, I never thought I’d be here. But where is here…what is here? Here is being a “boss mom”. Well, at least that’s what my sister calls me. In her simple interpretation, a boss mom is a woman who works tenaciously in her job/career while balancing ambitious goals and caring for her family. But honestly, I don’t want to be a boss mom. I just want to be a “mom”. I want to watch my children develop, see all the little things they learn about in the world they’re growing in, and simply be present with them so they know they can come to me with their needs and wants. I won’t be the first to say it and I won’t be the last, but truly “boss moms” are not okay. We carry our babies inside of us for 9 months, hear their heartbeat sync with ours, feel their kicks and movements, are their literal life support even until after birth; yet, we are expected to return back to work and be 100 percent as if we didn’t have life physically come out of us. How do we turn off an intricate thread of connection that was designed just for a mother and her baby? The answer is that we can’t. For boss moms, we clock out of our job and give our family the leftovers of our being—scrambling to give our babies kisses as we walk to the kitchen to pull together a homemade meal. We are barely hanging on to that thread of connection that we so badly desire to keep intact.
Society expects so much from us…and not to mention the unrealistic Hmong culture expectations. I recently went out with my family for Valentine’s Day and my own mother responded to my Facebook story of my family and I having dinner saying, “Bad nyaab.” Why? Because I wanted just a couple hours of designated time with babies? I actually began to feel guilty for wanting secluded time with my own children. It is no wonder America is facing a mental health epidemic among working mothers (42 percent above the general population). We, boss moms, are expected to labor at 100 percent capacity for our employer and at 100 percent for our families. We are tired…I am tired. At the end of the day, the only “me time” I truly have is when I sit down to pump and read. I do my best to saturate the words I read from my book with the .01 percent of energy I have left. Most nights after reading, I reminisce about how I always dreamt of being a mother…a wonderful, present, Bible leading mother.
Don’t get me wrong. My career is a God-given blessing that I am beyond grateful for. It is everything I’ve prayed for and so much more. I am able to live comfortably and give my children a life that is financially prepared for the world because of my job. I enjoy my “boss” job, but I can’t help but hear the crying desire in my heart to just be a “mom”. As much as I want to have a Biblical perspective about this, it doesn’t help with the reality that I’m still a working mom who’s being pulled in different directions. I’ve read blogs and swiped through many Christian mom posts about bringing our being the best super Christian mom we can be: your identity is defined in Christ, not how you didn’t make a homemade meal; live out the Gospel in your interactions with your children; let Christ take your burdens you tired mama. But honestly, having these perspectives doesn’t remediate the emotions I have about not being present with my kids for 40 - 45 hours a week. I can be completely grounded and full of faith with God, but it doesn’t change the seat I’m sitting in—I’m still sitting in an office room working versus cuddling them on our plushy couch watching Bluey. And I know I can reframe this in many different ways, except I don’t want to do that because I need to own the circumstances in order to grow in it.
Unfortunately, this blog doesn’t have a resolution on how to juggle being a “boss” and a “mom”, or implications of being a Gospel centered working mom. Nor is there a great bible conviction for application. There’s many other blogs, articles, and Instagram posts for those topics already. This is simply the cry of a mother who is saying, “I don’t want to be a “boss mom”. I know for some women, they love being a boss mom—kudos to you, really. But I also know I echo the cries, and have shed the tears of many mothers who wish they could be with their babies instead of being in front of a computer screen. I see you; I know your desire; and, I’m here to say it is okay to have that desire. We were created by God as women to want to nurture that which came from us. We are our babies mother, and it ought to be us to be responsible for raising them up. Though I may not have a resolution to this overwhelming dilemma that’s causing a nation of women to burnout, I do want to share an encouragement to you all. You are beyond extraordinary. You have the bodily capability to do everything that is required of you to keep your family afloat. I grew up hearing older women tell me it was impossible to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I beg to differ. It is very much possible with the natural strength and intuition that has been granted to us by God. So I say this, let us have faith in God who divinely created us to do what He’s called woman to do. Surely when we lean in with faith, He will give us exactly what we need to build our home just as He pleases despite the lack of time with our family and the weariness in our hearts.
Proverbs 31
10 An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
CY