Healed by The Great Physician
I’ve realized one thing, there is a wound of mine that’s been open for about two decades now. This open wound bleeds out from the bottom of my heart to the depths of my thoughts. I have never been able to truly forget it, or forgive the men who were able to do such wicked things to me. My heart reminds me of those events from my childhood that I hate so much. When I resurface the hurt, it’s like I’m taking a knife and cutting it into the wound that’s already been rotting for years. The more I think into it, the more it hurts. Why has it been so hard to reconcile these feelings, events, and with these men? I don’t want to, but I find myself hating them and hating a part of myself for not having the courage to tell anyone. The well-known quote, “Time will heal it,” brought me hope as a child, but time doesn’t heal anything. Time makes it worst, and most frightening…it creates a narrative that makes me believe it was all my fault.
As grown as I am now, as much solid food as I’ve eaten from the Lord, this heart of mine is still plagued with so much hurt that I still struggle with forgiveness. I have come to realize why I have not been able to die to my flesh; why I refuse to go to my Physician. It is because I enjoy hating them. I want to hate them for what they have done, for how they made me felt. Because God loves them so much that He sent His only Son to die for them…I felt they needed to be hated by someone. In my depravity, I want these men to feel the hate I have towards them. But the truth in the matter is… they will never know; they will never feel the hate nor the hurt.
The excerpt above was written about 3 years ago on my Tumblr. If you have ever been sexually abused (male or female), I understand. Most importantly, He understands. The weight of sin has caused the world to suffer and groan tirelessly (Romans 8:22). It is sin that causes us to suffer from such wicked acts; that causes us to groan day-in and day-out over circumstances that should have never happened. The only way we can find peace in this world is through God who is the way-maker. He is the One that can only bring you to a place of reconciliation if you are still hurting from the pain of sexual abuse and inability to forgive. I know how hard it can be to “let go and let God”, trust me. But Christ didn’t just come down to save those who were morally “good”; He came down to save all sinners. Good morals or not, we have offended a Holy God in our nature towards sin. This means that we need just as much grace as those who committed the immoral act of sexual abuse. Where sin abounds, truly His grace abounds more (Romans 5:20)!
Today, I rejoice in how He’s healed my wound to overcome the hate, the trauma, and the memories of the things done to me. Christ, my Physician, conducted many open-heart surgeries on me. The healing process was not easy, but it was worth the sanctification. After Christ healed my deep wound, a scar was left on my emotional and mental state. A physical scar typically reminds an individual of the experience they’ve went through to obtain it. In comparison, the scar will always be a reminder of the sexual abuse I experienced. Nevertheless, the scar is a reminder of how much I need God. When I found that God was all I had, I discovered that He was all I needed. God brought me to it, so He could carry me through to become the workmanship He’s prepared beforehand (Ephesians 2:10). Looking back now, it was the road I was always meant to walk so I would be prepared for the purpose of Jesus Christ’s works. What their sin desire meant for evil, God meant for good (Genesis 50:20).
In full transparency, I cannot say I forgave my abusers in my own efforts—it was the power of the Holy Spirit within me. He counseled me to see that my wound was never closed, nor was it ever healed. With that said, I want to share how the Holy Spirit counseled me to look towards Christ as my Physician. A quick disclaimer…this is not a formula to set you free from the pain, but [prayerfully] a guide to walk you through the pain to be healed.
My grandma has diabetes, as a result, she doesn’t feel any physical pain inflicted on her. Over the years, she developed open sores/wounds from “small” injuries on both of her legs. The open wounds became very infected, but she refused to believe that it was really affecting her. When she finally came to a place of acknowledging the severity of her open wounds, she went to her physician to receive treatment.
In the same way, I had to acknowledge the emotional and mental pain sexual abuse had on me before I was able to bring it to the Great Physician, Christ. I wrestled with God to understand why I still had the open wound; why I couldn’t let go of the pain. In my thoughts of trying to comprehend my own emotions, I began to have minor episodes of PTSD, wherein I had nightmares of the sexual abuse as well as heightened emotions—where I’d sob at the slightest memory of it. I was weary of the pain the wound gave me. But as God brought me to understand the pain, He also made known the power of His healing. Jesus said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls (Matthew 11:28-29).” Christ’s reassurance empowered me to give up my burdens to Him, the One who was and is able to bear the weight of any wounds. Give all your wounds up to God and He will heal you, for by His wounds we have been healed to live for Him (1 Peter 2:24).
Christ is the one who bears all of our burdens. Yet, as His adopted sons and daughters, we too are commanded to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). The “burdens” used in Galatians 6:2 refers to a heavy load that represents problems that an individual has trouble dealing with. There is a sense of peace in confiding your heart to other sisters [and brothers] in Christ. I recognized that my heart was filled with peace when I gave my burdens to Christ, however, to confide in a person—a sense of joy was uprooted from it. I sobbed my eyes out to a close friend, in which it gave me the courage to tell my parents in 2017. Together, they comforted me and fulfilled God’s commandment of loving me wholly. I no longer was alone, and you don’t have to be either. I see it similar to those movies where…there would be one really sick patient in the hospital bed; suffering and full of gloom. Then all of a sudden, the room brightens up when their family/friends come to visit; in turn the patient’s gloom turns to glee. In comparison, we are stuck to our own sorrowful thoughts and need others to walk alongside us to help carry our heavy burden(s). Confide in someone you trust and allow them to walk with you through your season of healing. Invite them to speak Truth to you and fight for the joy of Christ to fill your life.
Lastly, truly forgive your abuser. It was very hard for me. But in order to remove the bitterness, rage, anger and malice within me, Christ led me to forgive (Ephesians 4:31-32). My heart was softened to genuinely forgive the individuals who sexually abused me. Did I speak to them face-to-face? No, I didn’t. But when I saw them, I took a moment to look at them and see them as God sees them. I whispered in the depths of my heart, “I forgive you” and went on to say a quick prayer for them. I did have an instance recently where one of the individuals realized his wrongdoing and sought after me for forgiveness. He felt so much remorse to the point of believing God would never forgive him. I cried [of course] and the conversation alluded to a Gospel message of hope and forgiveness, in which I prayed for God to use it as a means to soften his heart. Whether the act of forgiving is in the depths of your heart or in engagement to the person, it is an act of the humility that Christ showed to us when He died on the cross for us (Colossians 3:13). We can never outgrow the humility of brokenness before God.
These three steps may not be the be-all and end-all, but I pray that ultimately you (those who have been sexually abused) can find healing through Christ, the Greatest Physician that’s ever walked the earth. Bring your open wound to the Great Physician and He will heal you by His power. “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick (Matthew 9:12)”. We are sick and need the forgiveness of Christ so that we can grasp how to forgive as Christ has. Through it all, there is a purpose for our wounds, we just can’t see it in the moment of our pain. In God’s perfect timing, He will bring the purpose to light and show us that He’s been with us every step of the way. Trust in the One Who heals the sick, gives sight to the blind, and resurrects the dead back to life. As for our abusers? Perhaps they may have found Christ and have repented. Or perhaps they are unaware of their following of the prince of the power of the air (Ephesians 2:2). Either narrative, pray for them—that they will come to know and love God with all their heart, soul, strength, and mind (Luke 10:27).
CY