A New Chapter
In early 2021, I was faced with many trials in my life that caused me to go through a valley that was filled with many raging waters. It was a hopeless place to be. But in the midst of this valley, God provided for me an agent to my prayers of thin hope. It was someone who could physically walk me through the storms and speak Truth into my life the, words I could not and did not want to confront. Jane, my therapist, was provided to me at a time when I needed God's Truth the most...when I needed to reckon with my own sin and repent. I can confidently say that Jane is one of God's greatest blessings in my life, as she was utilized to edify me as a part of his sanctifying plan.
You see, Jane just wasn't a therapist. She was a counselor, she was a mentor, she was a teacher, she was a friend, and most importantly, she was a woman of strong faith. She soaked herself in the things of God and poured herself out to me in bold Truth. Jane was led by the Holy Spirit to speak the Truths I needed to hear every time we met. She and I have had conversations about how our engagements were God blessed because of how coincidental my struggles and her newfound wisdom were. God always seemed to introduce her to enlightenment when I had a spiritual roadblock—these instances were truly miracles as God intervened. I sit back and ponder about how God created and prepared her to be a part of my sanctifying process. I never cease to be amazed at how God never misses an iota in his sovereign created universe (Matthew 5:18).
All this to say that I decided it was time to depart ways from Jane. I've prayed and sat on it for a while...to be honest, I was afraid to let her go. What if I am faced with trials I cannot handle on my own again? But I know and trust 100 percent, that God has and will always provide the agent that is needed when the road gets long and the journey gets tough. "Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life (Psalm 54:4)." Before I flip to the next chapter, I want to reflect on this chapter where Jane carried my burdens with me and pushed me to be more like Christ.
1. My innocence was stolen.
It's no secret that I was molested as a child growing up. I've been open and transparent about it for the past few years. Working through these events in therapy helped me uncover so many parts of myself I never knew were broken. I grew up thinking, "I'll get over this when I'm older." But the reality is, you never get over it—you learn how to grow from it. Jane sat with me in many sessions as I bawled my heart out reliving those moments to reframe the purpose of it—reliving those moments to speak God's Word into it. In my nakedness and shame of having my innocence taken away from me, God sacrificed one of his creatures to clothe me. Over and above that, he sacrificed his one and only Son to be the lamb that would forever wash away all the shame that resided in me. Where I no longer felt innocent, God made me innocent through his Son. Mending this kind of brokenness doesn't happen overnight. It takes a lot of time and tending to because it's hard to heal from things we didn't cause.
2. I am victorious over PTSD.
Suffering from PTSD doesn't mean you had to go to war. PTSD occurs during "an event that changes our neurobiology because we experience life-threatening powerlessness (Carolyn Spring)." When instances of panic occurred during a certain circumstance, it was never about what was happening to me, but what was happening inside me as a result of what took place years prior. I never realized my nightmares, flashbacks, avoidance, dissociation, paranoia, intrusive unwanted memories were all a part of PTSD. I sincerely thought it was normal. Everyone has flashbacks of something bad that's happened; people get nightmares all the time; being paranoid about this means I know what is safe. Little did I know that PTSD impacted me so greatly and was an obstacle to becoming more like Christ. I was educated on the ins and outs of PTSD and complex trauma from a physical, physiological, emotional, mental, and spiritual standpoint. After learning about how the body is impacted on 5 levels by Jane (and so many more), it was clear to me that I needed to fall on my knees at the foot of God. No human being can handle this on their own. In my strongest efforts, I wouldn't even begin to scratch the surface of what needed to be renewed. It was only by the hands of my Creator that I could become what he intended for me. The best part about diving into my PTSD was seeing myself in a different lens...how God so intricately sewed together every element of my being. I learned I'm truly like no other creature, and if I am so intricately put together, God is infinitely more intricate than my own mind can understand.
Do I still experience symptoms and triggers of PTSD from time to time? Absolutely. But I rest in my Creator who has renewed me and paved a way for me to meet peace in my panic.
3. I had postpartum depression.
I denied being depressed for almost half a year because I was afraid to be depressed again. When Jane suggested I was going through postpartum depression, I immediately smiled and shut down the idea of it. But I knew in the deepest depths of my heart that I was depressed. In our conversations, I was introduced to the notion of possibly being depressed because I was no longer fulfilling my heart idol—which was my need for control over my life. There was purpose and hope in my ability to control and know what was next. However, in the new environment I was introduced to...there was no ounce of possibility to give my heart idol what she wanted most. You may have read in my previous blog that my son, Hezekiah, was my idol. But the truth is…he was the object, nonetheless the root of it was "control". In the book, Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller, he explained the various types of idols—the kind that is tangible and the kind that aren't. The idols that are not tangible are the idols that reside in the heart and are the true root. Reflecting back, I could no longer control how and who my son was to me. In my avoidance of God during this time, I was pursued by God like how he pursued Adam after he sinned in the Garden of Eden. Through a miraculous encounter that I will never forget, I came to acknowledge my state of depression. I quickly repented from my heart idol and everything that came out from her. I am confident that I have turned my heart fully to God as the King who rules sovereignly in my life. When worries of tomorrow make its way to my mind, I no longer dwell on it because I 100 percent have been brought through the valley to learn what it means to "Let go, and let God."
4. I am so blessed.
Who am I to receive such abundant blessings of trials? And I mean it. I fully comprehend, now, the words from James, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing (James 1:2-4)." When I was younger and came across this passage, I would whisper in my thoughts how a Christian was supposed to find joy in being tossed around in the storm. What I loved most about Jane was her ability to help me see God in everything, despite how treacherous the storm was. It truly takes a woman after God’s heart to see God at the focal point of every storm. At the age of 28 years old, I am eager and awaiting the many more trials to come to be made perfect and complete. The joy of being perfected to be conformed to the likeness of Jesus Christ is incomparable to the temporary pains of suffering. I am blessed because I have witnessed countless miracles God has performed on me.
I love Jane and there will never be another Jane for me. She was a gift from God to me…like a hurricane emergency kit that was dropped from the sky. I am grateful to have learned so many things from Jane, but God is calling me elsewhere. Pray for me as I embark on this next chapter in life. The narrow road is brute, but the fruit that comes from it is life everlasting!
My brothers and sisters who labor in Christ, if and when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, do not fear because God will be with you (Psalm 23:4). When the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness, God became a pillar of cloud to guide them in their way and a pillar of fire to be their light at night (Exodus 13:21). When they became hungry he dropped mana from the sky and provided poultry for them to feast on (Exodus 16). Even in the Isratelites' sin, God fought wars for them. He will always give us what we need when we need it most. How blessed are we that the God of the Bible is our God!
CY