30 Years Young
Thirty met me with more grace than I could imagine. I am quite frankly living a life full of abundance and seeing more clearly now how God consistently provides for me in my life. As I was reflecting on the general “lesson” that God’s taught me over the last 3 decades of life, I found that time and time again I was met with this Truth: God provides sufficiently. This is the one primary Truth that I hold on to when hope is dim, struggles are loud and fear is present.
I know all that I am and all that I have belongs to him because he has given me all things in his accord. This only became a believed Truth because I had to experience God's hand working in my life. My life is simply a construct of all God's sufficient provisions. These two experiences (of countless) are a constant echo in my heart and a living reminder that I am nothing apart from God and his provision.
Money Miracle
In 2016, I created a ministry called Ready, Set, GO! to equip and move young adults / adults to partake in evangelizing / serving in oversea countries. The first destination was Bangkok, Thailand with Envision Bangkok. During the planning phase I found out I would not be able to take 3+ weeks of vacation due to my current working arrangements. Disappointed, I stepped down from leading the team to Bangkok but was involved in helping wherever I could. What this meant for me was that I was not actively fundraising for myself, and in the group fundraisers, the money fundraised would be budgeted to the exact individuals going only. As the months went by, I continued to pray for God to pave a way if he did desire for me to go to Bangkok. I remember one night after leaving a discussion about the Bangkok mission trip, I was disheartened that I couldn’t follow through as the initiator and felt as if God wasn’t being fair. I had no vacation time that would allow me to go, nor did I have any allocated funds to secure myself as part of the Bangkok mission team. Regardless, I continued my prayers to God regarding Bangkok and told God if he really wanted me to go, I’d need at least $800 to book the main flight. Two months before the trip and a couple weeks before all the flights were going to be booked, I received a check in the mail for $881 and couldn’t believe it myself. I confirmed the name the check was to and in disbelief said, “No this can’t be it. For me to really go, I need $200 for passport expenses.” A couple days later, my dad handed me an envelope with my name on it from the university I was attending. I opened the letter and was surprised to see $250 reimbursement from a scholarship surplus amount. I remember quickly rushing to look at my finances and hearing my inner voice repeat how good God was. I still needed a little more money to sustain me during the trip but decided I would talk to my manager regardless because God had provided a way for the will. I mustered up the confidence to tell my manager of the miracle and essentially begged him to let me go without pay, and he approved. During this very same day, I received an email from my Modeling Agency that Park University wanted to extend my contract for a Commercial I was Principal in, and for me to confirm my address for a $450 check for the extension. To say that I was overwhelmed with gratitude is the least of my emotions then.
My God didn’t just provide, he gave GAVE. This is just one of the many financial provisions God graciously gave to me. But this story was the starting point where the Truth of God’s sufficient provision began to reign true in my heart.
The Darkest of My Darkest Nights
If you follow my blogs, you may know that I went through a season of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, disassociation, PTSD, and demonic attacks just to name a few. As if the flashbacks were not enough to send me through a panic attack, the devil consistently came in the most silent part of the night and whispered lies to me. He would tell me things like, “You are not truly a child of God”, “Surely God wouldn’t let his own child go through this pain”, “Are you really saved, do you really have salvation”, “You are worth nothing”, and there were event moments where the devil told me, “You are mine”. I believed all these lies which made my nights all the more dreadful. In the darkest of my darkest nights, I wanted God to take my life because I could no longer endure the mental and emotional suffering. I remember telling God, “If I have to live for the rest of my life like this, I don’t want to live.” While laying in fear during the night that I consider “the darkest of my darkest nights”, I laid in bed knowing and confident that I would take my life the next day. But God had a different plan. He provided for me his loving comfort and voice of Truth. Something began to happen that never occurred all the other nights of suffering. I felt the deepest comfort and assurance from the Holy Spirit—his power was made known and the verse from 2 Corinthians 12:9 came to the forefront of my mind, “...my power is made perfect in weakness”. Before I knew it, it was as if I was experiencing an inkling of what Jesus went through in the Garden of Gethsemane before his betrayal. God spoke Truth over me and against the devil’s lies. In the stillness of the night, God’s comforting Words spoke to me, “Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows” (Matthew 10:31). I drifted to sleep with peace for the first time in several months and was awakened by the peace God provided to me.
There was another occasion after I had Hezekiah where postpartum depression hit me unexpectedly. But God prepared me well for it and surely sent me his angels to comfort me just as he did to Elijah in 1 Kings. In both these times of suffering, God’s provision was sufficient for all of my needs and his timing was perfect. Could he have stopped the suffering? Yes, but suffering has a purpose—as Elisaeth Elliot titles her book, “Suffering is Never for Nothing”. In this particular season of suffering, God’s sufficient provision of peace, comfort, and his Word became a lived reality in my life.
A Jar of Enough
It took me about 20 years to learn that God always provides, and 30 years to believe it with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. My life—dare I say our lives—is like the narrative of Elijah and the widow of Zarephath. There was a famine / drought in the land, therefore God sent Elijah to the widow to be fed but when Elijah arrived, the widow was making her last meal with her last batch of flour. How were they to survive? The Lord continued to fill the jar every day, so Elijah, the widow and her son could be fed until the rain came.
For thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘The jar of flour shall not be spent, and the jug of oil shall not be empty, until the day that the Lord sends rain upon the earth.’” And she went and did as Elijah said. And she and he and her household ate for many days. The jar of flour was not spent, neither did the jug of oil become empty, according to the word of the Lord that he spoke by Elijah. - 1 Kings 17:14-16
My life is very much like that jar of flour. Seemingly empty, yet the Lord my God always always provided (and continues to) enough to sustain me in the season of life I am in.
Being 30
Today, I get to live another year and see another day to proudly say I am 30 years young. I get to bask in the beautiful warm arrays of the sun, hear my children laugh, experience their growth as little human beings, and live in the blessings I am provided with. Being 30 is an age I couldn’t wait to get to when I was in my early 20s. Who will I be? What will my career be? What will my lifestyle look like? Will I live the American dream? These are all questions I often found myself fantasizing about, but none of my past fantasies can surpass what God has provided me. I truthfully possess nothing and am nothing if it were not for God's provision in my life. I can only hope and pray that for the next 30 years (plus), I can give back to the Lord an iota of what he has graciously provided me. Praise be to the good Heavenly Father of the Truth that God provides sufficiently, and of course to being 30!
CY